take the last train to slaysville and i'll meet you at the slaytion

why bother with Baby on Board if you put a sticker on your car that said "Out Of Ranch Dressing" youd probably be given more grace from others in traffic

a family friend had a job teaching English in Salerno back in the 90s and came home one day to find his apartment had been robbed but before he could file a police report his landlord came over and said “No, no leave to me” and two days later all of his stuff appeared at his door

In an effort to respond to voters positive reaction of his competitor’s lovingly bestowed childhood nickname of “Nonstop Mamdani” Andrew Cuomo has announced in a press conference that he also had a sobriquet in his youth “that little creep”

got swiped by a stingray (luckily not fully stung) on my ankle on our last day in San Diego 😔

eating fresh grilled sea bass with a stingray wound on my foot

gromit should be in more movies, he doesnt always have to be with the guy

me with a cooler full of premade mimosas for my wife and I walking past a “No Alcohol On The Beach” sign

I absolutely one hundred percent believe the theory that Nixon got blackout drunk with Jackie Gleason and showed him the dead body and wreckage of an alien and it’s ufo

divorced Obama with Vice President Bruce Springsteen would beat FDRs four elections in a row without blinking

The world, if America gave the Irish infinite money to invade, occupy, and eventually attempt to eradicate the British

when pantomiming “tipping your cap” or doing a “hats off to you” when you aren’t actually wearing a hat do you grab the invisible crown of a formal hat or do you grab the brim of a ball cap?

Update: Trevor Bauer returns from the Japanese minor leagues, immediately surrenders the longest home run in recorded history

if they tried to introduce automatic flushing toilets today there would be a huge movement of people smashing them because they secretly take pictures of your dick

common Arizona L FUCK!!

*tires screeching to a stop*