pouring my cold brew into one of these every morning so i stop drinking it too fast

is pee pee the next poo poo

hearing someone’s voice crack because they about to cry has to be the saddest sound ever

this is what Saltburn is about

Let’s Lady and the Tramp a McRib.

There will be. Get this. Another dinosaur island and, hold on to your fucking pants here. Another businessman, of dubious intent

you will never convince me that crumbl cookie is safe for human consumption and im waiting on the class action lawsuit

Dang you dating ghost rider or somethin ?

the sexiest thing a stranger could do is let me merge before i kill us both

babe what’s wrong? you’ve barely touched your feffefo fochef

found a polaroid in the pocket of this suit at a thrift store of the previous owner wearing it

(sobbing) *finger guns* that’s show biz baby

[Guy who paid $500 to go to a concert] what the fuck it's just songs

what baby elephant?

How immersive we talking?

I was trying to be friendly to a random girl using the bathroom so I asked if she was an extra in the movie they were filming at my high school and she scoffed and told me she was the star and that’s how I have beef with Selena Gomez

the crushing weight of two very manageable tasks

Tonight’s girl dinner was way more Cheetos than I meant to eat, followed by cottage cheese

There’s Something About Mary isn’t funny. There, I said it.

I live near here and I am mentally garbanzoed so I’m constantly singing, “Lark. Stark. Shut it down. Open up, shark,” in my head.