Imagine being so insecure with your own testosterone that you become obsessed with someone else’s

If The Godfather came out today, we would be following Vito Corleone in a late 90s period piece during the years when the Sopranos was on

Store drop off only does not count as recyclable!

After Huey P Rootin’ for a sequel, I won’t spoil anything about the new black panther movie. My lips are Bobby Sealed

Not a huge fan of the new T Swift album. It’s not for me and that’s okay

Men will buy and destroy tech companies instead of going to therapy

We’ll see you when we’re looking at you.

Me looking at forgotten leftovers in my parent’s fridge: there is no one but me who can intercede!

I have no rhythm. Are my feet guilty by association?

I only listen to Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott and Felonious Monk

fELONy

Stay-at-home-while-working-full-time mom

Nothing sounds more theatrical and gay than master of ceremonies

I, a childless man at home by myself, decide to do one prenatal yoga video and all of a sudden my targeted ads think I’m with child

Me 🤝 infrared light: not visible but definitely on the spectrum

Never settle for mediocre toilet paper

If units are empty, rent prices are too high. How is no income better than more tenants at a discount?

Next year, we will be further from the first airing of the cowbell sketch than they were from the blue oyster cult recording session

United States Pasta Service

Sausage was humanity’s greatest invention