Incase you were wondering, leaving your house in the 3rd trimester is a mistake

“Where you at?” My wits end

And for my next trick, I will take this seemingly unnoticeable pimple and turn it into a giant f*cking problem

You honestly don’t know the taste of freedom until you’ve roamed the isles of Target without your toddler

When approaching your dog, it is VERY important to say “this ✨is ✨a ✨little ✨puppy” regardless of their size and/or age.

Why does my bank insist on sending me statements every month? That is none of my business

Ever look around in a situation for an adult to come fix things and realize YOU’RE the adult? The worst

Where you at? My absolute limit bro

The endless cycle of buying things on Amazon and then returning some and then having “free” money to order more things on Amazon and then returning those and then ordering more things until you die

“Tums really ate with the smoothie flavor” I say aloud, remembering that I am in fact, a geriatric pregnancy. podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bot…

A haunted house but it’s just a password reset that requires a number, a letter, a capital, a symbol, and can not be a previous password that you’ve ever used in your lifetime

It’s OCTOBER!! 🍂🍁🎃 Get COZY Eat SOUP Enjoy the FOLIAGE Put a HEX on anyone who has WRONGED you Break out your fav SWEATER

This is who you’re trying to have the “budget” talk with

You honestly don’t know the taste of freedom until you’ve roamed the aisles of Target without your toddler

A haunted house but it’s just your toddler screaming to listen to the Paw Patrol theme song over and over again

The opening credits of Hocus Pocus just started. You’ve got a nice warm bowl of Kraft Mac n cheese on your lap. No school tomorrow. The year is 2024 and you are 36 years old. Life is good

Wow you are so brave Thanks I literally had no other choice

Facing reality is not all it’s cracked up to be. 0/10 would not recommend

I thought I was doing ok but my entire algorithm is tarot card readers and inspirational quotes so maybe I need to reassess

Me writing in to a Trail Mix company: “ENOUGH WITH THE RAISINS”