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Twitter is perfect for me because I can't accept advice unless I'm called a motherfucker.

The label on the peanut butter jar says may contain nuts.Handy to know.

"What if people spent 90% of their time doing things they don't want to do?" - inventor of adulthood

Beware. There are people in the grocery store that you know, that want to chat with you. Stay vigilant.

Another day another wtf is going on.

I pulled everything out of my junk drawer to organize it and well, I guess we are officially a junk countertop family now.

If only the lessons learned from struggling and hardship could be secondhand.

I like to throw soy sauce at sad people. Kikkoman while he’s down.

When people ask me why I'm on Twitter, I have to agree.

Apparently, kids don't even call them monkey bars anymore. It's a monkey wine lounge now.

If alcohol can damage your short term memory, imagine the damage alcohol can do.

saw a video of jon stewart talking about losing his dog, and I'm not crying, you're crying

Life is just continually losing and finding your earbuds

making a mattress out of foam that forgets

Big shoutout to Taco Bell for inventing Mexican food in 1965.

I love being out of the loop. I have no desire to be in any loop. Leave me out of as many loops as possible. In fact, keep all of your fucking loops away from me, you loop loving psychos.

I bet everybody that was with the person who invented sleeping was pretty sad for a few hours.

I can eat my daily recommended amounts of protein or I can have a full time job but I can’t do both

The only people who are left on Twitter are those of us who can't take a hint.

I wonder what other animals we tried to ride before discovering that horses were cool with it