THE SOLUTION TO AT LEAST THREE PROBLEMS IS EATING SEAGULLS

GOING OUT IS THE NECESSARY EVIL THAT ALLOWS US THE PLEASURE OF GOING HOME

WHAT IS THE PREFERABLE MODIFICATION TO OUR UNIVERSE

PLAYS ARE LIKE MOVIES EXCEPT YOU’RE THE CAMERA

IF JUICE IS SOUP SMOOTHIE IS BISQUE

WHY MUST WE EVER THINK ABOUT THE PLURALITY OF WAYS IN WHICH TO SKIN A CAT WHILE—MUCH LESS GROTESQUE—THOUGH STILL ODD—THERE MANY—PERHAPS INFINITE—WAYS TO COOK AN EGG

BOBODY

TENNIS IS A GAME WHERE NO ONE WANTS THE BALL

ONE OF THE BIGGEST SCAMS IS BAY LEAVES—WE PUT THEM IN AS WE COOK AND YET WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY DO

MOST ANIMALS WHAT THEY DO IS JUST VIBRATE

ARE DOGS ALLOWED IN THESE VEGAN RESTAURANTS—NOT ONLY ARE THEY CARNIVOROUS—THEY THEMSELVES ARE ANIMALS

ALL I’M SAYING IS AMERICANS CAN HAVE A LITTLE SOCIALISM—AS A TREAT

NOW THAT I AM THE FRONTRUNNER I ONLY EAT THE CELEBRITY HAM

HAD TWO IDEAS TODAY: THAT HEALTHCARE IS A HUMAN RIGHT AND THAT THE GOOSE’S POWER TO INTIMIDATE OTHERS STEMS FROM ITS ABILITY TO GROW SUCH A NECK

THE BEACH NEEDS A GOOD VACUUM

HAVING FRIENDS IS A KIND OF ENTERTAINMENT SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE

FIRST WE ARE FORCED INTO EXISTENCE—THEN WE LINE THE POCKETS OF BILLIONAIRES FOR MEDICINE—THEN WE RETURN THE MIDDLE PART IS ALL WE CAN CONTROL

WHEN I TALK I AM SIMPLY READING MY BRAIN OUT LOUD

IN A QUIET THEATER YOU CAN REALLY HEAR ALL THE NOISES WE—AS A SPECIES—INVOLUNTARILY MAKE

WHAT IF TALL PEOPLE DIDN’T HAVE BIGGER BONES BUT JUST MORE BONES