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big fan of the Invisible Man saying insane shit like this and not expanding on it in any form

every race is like The Democrat has a narrow 50.1-49.9 lead over Republican challenger Gunch Hitler who ran on a platform of exploding everyone

half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”

my kid: *comes home with a drawing of our family with our eyes scratched out and our burning bodies arranged in a pentagram. under a blacklight we see invisible ink reading IL DIAVOLO* me, trying to do gentle parenting: ok looks like someone’s got big feelings

does Roy G Biv really think there are sooo many Roy Bivs that he needs to distinguish himself with a middle initial?

every tiktok is like “have you heard of the saturday theory” and then it’s that people like to have fun on saturday

these humorless scolds didn't like my jokes because they were simply taken out of context i think they'd have quite a different opinion if they realized the context was that i said them at a nazi rally

New StripMallThinkTank! X standout Ben Rosen helps me crack the restaurant seafood code & in this clip, let's me know that yes, a four-knob/one-nozzle shower stall from 1940 is weird but do you use a Landlord Call on it? Eat your heart out Jake Johannsen! podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/str…

i'm glad president obama is clearing this up for voters

dem messaging: We are TURNING a NEW PAGE and we are NOT going BACK. We are ready to ROLL UP our SLEEVES and GET THINGS DONE. dem email messaging: shit fuck i really fucked up and i’m scared. i need $12

you want to hear about an october surprise? well, i was working in the lab late one ni

it’s insane that kirk van houton’s concern that milhouse might have two spaghetti meals in one day happened in a treehouse of horror episode and is therefore noncanonical phone banker: ok and is there anything that’s been keeping you up at night about the election

signing with the mets 3 yrs/$38mil

TURN ON NBC! ROSS JUST SAID RACHELS NAME BY MISTAKE!

new chappell is definitely a different sound but it still kind of slaps

🚨BREAKING: at a michigan rally tonight, harris delivers her closing message: “he has the morals of an alley cat”

can you just start these posts with NOT DEAD

if you’re IN line to vote, STAY IN LINE, and if you’re ON line to vote you’re from New York City baby best city in the world

extremely strong closing message

okay and we have an update in one of the battleground states *INTENSE MUSIC AND GRAPHICS* we don’t know anything yet