me: my writing is so bad disney: somehow, palpatine returned me: my writing is pretty good, actually

pancheros is literally the worst

so you know how younger generations have shorter attention spans, right? business idea: swipeable 60-second porn clips. call it “tit tok”

why am I so intimidated by the 17 year olds working the front desk of the tanning salon

screaming children should be stored in the baggage compartment ✈️

If I die please do not release balloons. Please do something more environmentally friendly. 🌏

can someone please draw me a cute little tattoo? I need something to do this weekend.

there is no panic like the panic of opening the door of the wrong car in the parking lot and instantly feeling like you’ve just committed a crime

everyone's having babies and i'm just having anxiety

I’m at the nail salon and I was distracted. I took off my shoes and I meant to roll up my pants, but without thinking I started UNBUTTONING MY PANTS in middle of the salon until my brain was like, “wtf are you doing.”

time for Will Smith to be sent back to his auntie and uncle in Bel-Air...

Do we all live in filth until company comes over, or is that just me?

If I had a dollar for every time I accidentally talked shit about someone’s house on their ring doorbell, I’d have at least $10.

remember the 7th grade lock-in? that, but with your coworkers. at work. with booze. 🙌🏻

I don’t trust people who properly recycle their batteries

or maybe don't...