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oh that's your girl?? then why did she just give me her number and insurance information after i hit her car in the parking lot of applebee's

People who are really into weed will hand me some weed and be like "doesn't this smell exactly like caramelized strawberry cheesecake" like no that smells like weed but i appreciate your enthusiasm

my opinion on gun control is we take away all guns. give everyone a sword. u want to commit crimes?? master the blade. can u imagine if someone robbed a bank with a sword it would be way cooler. nobody would be mad they would be like dang that was sick

police: *takes my mugshot* me: send me that

I don’t care whose house I’m at, I will dry my hands off on them decorations towels. Screw them towels

feel like anyone born between 1990 & 2001 has been waiting for the end of the world since they were born

As you age, it's ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you're like "wow is that a yellow-rumped warbler"

the more water you drink, the more bathroom breaks, the less you work. stay hydrated.

I wish I could tag my dog in dog memes and be like haha that’s you

Me watching Bake-off: You fool! You can't dip the walnut whirl in the tempered chocolate, you have to drizzle over the top to achieve the characteristic wobble of the coffee ganache, Parisian cafe-style! Me baking at home: I forgot to put apples in the apple pie

Security at every level of the airport is insane until you get to the baggage claim. Then it's like take whatever bag you want.

If your girl texts you and tells you how shes had a bad day, just simply go pick her up and take her to a mexican restaurant and order her a large margarita and get some chips and queso. Her whole day will be turned around instantly

"tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!" Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

I love how a fly will get into your house through a 2mm crack in a bathroom window, but can't find it's way out even if you have the side of your house taken off

Me: *grabs another coffee* Stomach: stop Heart: stop Brain: heck yea five more

You ever clean your house everyday and still have to clean your house everyday

I've taken too many 'before' pictures while telling myself I'm going to start getting into shape, so basically I have a slideshow of me getting more fat

imagine your name is "Tony" but ur parents spelled it like “Toeughkneigh"

soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird

Be his peace. You already can’t cook