Flo Rida has number one hits Flou Ride has clean teeth and brain damage

Spring rolls sound like a food but also a gymnastics thing Hamburgers just sound delicious and not like exercise I’m not a life coach but come on, people

I’ve had a crush on you since 1993

This last drink I just poured has informed me that my fingers might stop working I’m not a PhD but I shave tof dossgeee ain’t no shooossh gonna teell my fingers what did do!

I’ve saved up all the minutes that I didn’t use by typing NVM instead of “nevermind” and I think I’m gonna use them to make a sammich. Wait…did I just save more time?

Maybe Daniel LaRusso had dust mites and really needed his leg to be swept. We don’t know.

I am a man who will fight for your honor - Peter Cetera at his bailiff job interview

Sigmund Freud probably gets really aneud with stupid people

I’m so drunk that I can’t even believe that it’s 3.99 o’clock

Who needs a furnace if you have an air fryer? Like, hello? I can fry air now 🙄

When people start a message to me with “Deer Adam” I don’t reply. I figure you don’t know me and probably don’t know my parents or even my uncles or antlers

You can wear out furniture if you do nothing enough

I’m not allowed to listen to Motown records during the day, that’s why I’m Gladys Knight.

Ewoks In Star Wars: fuzzy little being In England: biped

The true story of Benedict Arnold was that he escaped to a country to hide out with the Dutch. He fell in love with some young English muffin and together they spent the rest of their lives laying peacefully in their ham-mocks, enjoying their Holland days.

I once drove a car through the gap in Madonna’s teeth. I was looking to make a new blanket and headed for a material… a material.. a material.. a material.. store

There’s no doubt at this point that Anthony Hopkins had family members with one leg

Before Napster people used to just steal my CDs and cassettes because I always had kick ass music. I didn’t complain about it I just fucked their girlfriends

I wonder if French shark movies end with: - Arm

I don’t like that Mr Clean has invented a device to erase magic. Now, where the hell is my rabbit?