My friend Bob was getting a hand-job from his new girlfriend. He asked, "How are you so good at this?" Years of practice, "she said." Bit of a player in your day were you? "NO," she replied, l used to have one of my own.

I got a strange text last night off a number I didn't know. I replied, "Who's this?" I got a message back saying, “your worst friggin nightmare.” Which left me a bit baffled as she was sitting next to me and hadn't moved the whole time!

So yall, today my wife and son got into an argument and she threatened to slap him into next week if he talked like that to her again... Tell me why this smartass says "please, go ahead! I need my paycheck early"!

When I push a pull door and some genius says "You" have to pull". Yeah thanks bro my next move was to try and fucking crawl under it!

I was on the toilet when my friend sent me an xxx video. I played it, but there was no sound. I increased the volume to the highest, but still no sound. I watched it for 8 minutes befor I remembered my phone was connected to the Bluetooth speaker in the living room! My

Some neighborhood kids set up a lemonade stand with a sign will blast Taylor Swift music until we sell 5 gallons. They sold out before the first song was over!

A father and his son are in a food market. Suddenly the sons swallows a quarter and begins choking. The father panics, yelling for help, spinning around. Shoppers freeze. No one moves. Suddenly, a well-dressed woman at the coffee bar looks up from her newspaper. She calmly folds

A lawyer just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, You're beautiful! And then he fell asleep again. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, You're cute! Well, the wife was

If you have ever had to piss outside while it was dark. Just know that you probably pissed in some poor frogs face! Feel better now?

I don't know who needs to hear this, but I've been told that I'm going to 'Hell' for my excessive use of the word Fuck! I rented a bus if any of you fuckers need a ride!

I like to have at least 5 practice beers before having my actual first beer!

A woman from New York was driving through a quiet part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian riding a horse came by and offered to give her a ride to the nearest town. She climbed onto the horse behind him, and they started riding. The ride was peaceful,

Four men played golf every Saturday. One day one called in sick. The three men went to the gulf range to find a replacement named Joe. They ask him if available. He says yes but maybe a half hour late. He is on time plays right and beats them. The next week he again is on time

Young boyfriend and girlfriend are sitting on the bench in the park. An elderly man sits on the bench nearby. He moves on his seat trying to find a comfortable position. GIRL: my neck hurts BOY: let me kiss it, babe. Is it better now? GIRL: (giggles) Yes. But now my cheek

Two men Peter and Paul are on their way to a bar to drink when they see their friend Al. They ask Al to come join them but Al replies “Sorry, I promised my wife I wouldn't touch a drop of booze” and walks away. Peter is about to insist when Paul says “Forget it Peter. He is

Y’all want to know the secret to fast weight loss? Sickness and no money! I’ve lost 14 lbs in a week! Down to 226, lowest I’ve been since I was 35 years old! But, it’s all good! I’ve made my peace with some folks that I needed to make peace with. Sometimes, they just can’t take

Two women were enjoying a casual round of golf when one of them took a swing- and gasped in horror as the ball sailed wildly off course straight toward a group of men on the neighboring hole. WHACK! It struck one of the men squarely in the... sensitive zone. He collapsed

I’ve finally figured out why Democrats hate Trump so much! He has more balls than them!

Beautiful sunset tonight!