My bro: “ She belongs to the streets “ Me: “ Nah not this one she’s valid “ *2 months later* Him: “ what happpened to you & lil shorty ? Where she at ? “ Me:

i guess forever is not rly forever

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard? Dad: *nudging me* that should've been you Me: Not now Dad Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they? Me: Dad, there's a medical emergency happening right now Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting" helps

FUCK DONALD TRUMP!

MY PENIS AND I WOKE UP 2 THE ALARMING DISTURBANCE OF A VIDEO CLIP 2DAY .AS HIS DEFENSE ATTORNEY WE’RE PREPARED 2 DENY ANY SLOW STROKES OR LACK OF KILLIN THE PUSSY .A LONG LIST OF SATISFIED WOMEN CAN ATTEST TOO. BUT THE REAL PUNCHLINE IS SEEING PPL WHO NEVER FUCKED HIM RATE HIM 😮

I jokingly reminded my grandpa that we were the only single people in the family and he seriously reminded me that’s only because his wife died.

why olaf lowkey hit that

*online shopping* Oo this would be a nice basic set of earrings *swipes through photos* wait what

it’s not that it “doesn’t feel like a Christmas” you just haven’t been happy since you were 12

I know everyone says this like every year but this year really was one of the very worst years I’ve experienced yet like on some real shit