SAG-AFTRA Strike Ends, Students Finally Free to Start Acting Like They Aren't On Their Phone During Chapel

Asbury Announces Christmas Raffle, Winners Gifted Opportunity To Kiss Kevin Brown's Bald Little Head Oh So Gently

New Chapel Schedule Announced, Made Up Entirely Of Dr. Dan Strait; Record Chapel Attendance Expected

Four Asbury Students Rescued Out Of Red River Gorge Today. When Asked How They Knew Victims Were Asbury Students, Police Replied, “We can smell an Adventure Leadership mistake a mile away.”

Asbury Students Mistake Oscar Director Nominees For Early Highbridge Nominations, Citing Overwhelming Male Presence as Cause

In a Poor Move, GC Birthday Celebration Hosts Cake With 100 Candles, Burns GC Down in Less Than Seven Minutes

Students Asked Not To Give Statements To Reporters On Revival Anniversary After Student Gives Quote "She As on my Bury til I Outpouring"

BREAKING: Christian University Does Not Follow Christian Doctrine on Supporting Disabled People

A New High for Asbury Women! Men Make Up Only 77% of Highbridge Director Nominations; Up 15% From Previous Year

Asbury Eatery Unintentionally Earns Guinness World Record for "Most Days Serving Hot Dogs In a Row"

Asbury Caf Reveals New Signs for Soda Machines: "100% of Oxygen Breathers DIE!" "Regular food consumption leads to OBESITY!" "Sleeping has been linked to CANCER!"

Chapel Speaker Insists Redheaded Students Should Be Thankful God Created Them Intentionally Like That, But Also That He Hates Them For It

Students Banned From Ever Rapping In Chapel Again In Shocking Legislature From Board of Trustees, Coined "Rapel Ban"

Inspection Finds Kresge Elevator Has Been Dragging Residents to the Underworld For Months Without Anyone Noticing

That's right, folks. The Asbury Onion is now on both Twitter AND Instagram! Get ready for twice the disappointment, from both us and Asbury. Follow us here: instagram.com/asburyonion/

Greg Haseloff Pursues Lifelong Dream of Being Country Star While on Sabatical

Students Shocked to See Actual Crouching Tiger on Hughes Stage

Only Three Female Students Frozen On Harrowing Journey to Rest of Campus From Dorms; Up 15% From Last Year

Glide-Crawford Rats Come Together to Form Band

Bird Released in Hughes Auditorium to Combat Chapel Wasps