I've been sober for a 100 days now. My friend was asking me 'How long do you plan on doing it? Like what's your goal?'

'My goal is until I have no friends left.' That's when I start the return.

I'm vegetarian. I'm not vegan. If you don't know what the difference is, I'm not going to tell you I'm vegetarian within the first 30 seconds of meeting you.

People that skip the Superbowl cos of Taylor Swift are the equivalent of the people that said they'll go to Canada if Trump gets elected.

#TaylorSwift #SuperBowl2024 #Republicans #Democrats

There's a friend of mine back home. He knows I do standup and keeps sending me reels of other standup comedians. I don't think he understands how I feel.

Friends. After much reflection I have decided to enter the transfer portal for my last year of eligibility. Excited for the future!
5’7” ish
165
14.8 second 40
#Blessed #NILBABY #TDSnation #LFGM

Now is a good time to watch this standup clip from me educating an Indian uncle about Mia Khalifa.

Roy is telling yall to go listen to the podcast

open.spotify.com/episode/0Nwr45…

Winning the EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony) sounds like winning the approval of all the white kids you went to school with

I don't think Eminem would be mad now if Vivek Ramaswamy sings 'LOSE yourself' after Iowa Caucus

#TexasFreeze

#TexasFreeze

#TexasFreeze

Once she asked me to go get GEICO and they saved me that 15%, and that was the only time I was 0% wrong

Now that I'm 39, I'd like to announce that 30s are the new 20s. I'll be entering my 30s next year. Thank you for understanding. I won't be taking any questions at this point.

- Thank You MGMT