Everyone keeps saying, set your clocks back. I haven’t set a clock in 10 years.

I’m going to sleep like a baby tonight. And by that, I mean I’m going to wake up at 3am screaming.

I had jury duty today.... I weep for this country.

I’m such an introvert I’ll pretend to not get texts during quarantine.

Just went shopping... It's kind of all I need to survive.

I eat like a cartoon character.

Wow, they must have been really terrified of the weather...

I have nothing funny to say that isn't already on the box.

Leftovers from our last show... I think we were doing theatre wrong...

Happy Easter. Whenever the hell that is.

Going to the movies for the first time in about six years.

Soulmate? I'd like to meet them, but I'm guessing I wouldn't be able to.

I have so little food in my house I'm actually looking at mustard wondering if that would fill me up.

Brilliant.

I quit smoking, but other than that I'm screwed.

Seems like a trap...

If the dishwasher doesn't clean something, I'll just send it through again... and again. Like I'm gonna wash it by hand?? #meinanutshell

Overheard: It's been proven by YouTubers...

A white person shared this true tea on Facebook. So I'm sharing it here.

Goddamn Patton Oswalt . Thank you. #annihilation