[waiter emerges from kitchen amid a cloud of smoke, flames licking his heels, tips of his waxed moustache on fire] “Your dessert, sir.” (Pic: Thomas Ingebrigtsen)

“Hi, we asked for the bill.” “We brought it.” “Where is it?” “It’s under the raspberries.” “Under the raspberries is a rock.” “The bill is under the rock.” [blinks] (Pic: @ruthreed01)

“Welcome to the Lazy Chef Cafe, what can I get you?” “An orange juice, please.” (Pic: Andrea Hadfield)

"How do you take your tea?" "White, no onions.” (Pic: Chantal Borciani)

If only someone would invent some sort of cup-like vessel for drinking coffee out of, it could become really popular. (Pic: @EliotLandrum)

Remembering the glorious day when a Flaming Grill couldn't serve food in their usual bin lids and put up this sign. (Pic: Dawn Butler)

Not since the one-eyed taco Chihuahua have we been so torn as to whether a serving method should be mandatory or banned. (Pic: Hannah Mills)

NEWSFLASH: THEY ALREADY ARE.

Dear Pubs, When you ask “Can I get you any condiments with your meal?” and the reply is “Yes please, ketchup and vinegar”, a bottle of ketchup and a bottle of vinegar would be lovely. Not this. (Pic: Jane)

IRONING INSTRUCTIONS Cotton: iron on high heat Silk: iron on medium heat Nylon: iron on low heat Prawns: iron on manky board (Pic: Petr Zahnáš)

Dica: Essa “experiência gastronômica” você pode fazer em casa.

See this? See what's missing..? Shame I didn't bring my fucking oven gloves with me. And if they bring my overpriced cake out on a sodding roof tile...I'll lose it. #ForkHandles

Roses are red, Grey is for slates, They’ve got no raised edge, Unlike wonderful plates. ❤️🍽

[raises hand]

Worst episode of Robot Wars ever. (Pic: Briar Adams)

"Sorry, I didn't order a beer." "That's gravy, sir." "It's what?" "Gravy." "In a can?" "Yes." [looks round] "Gravy?" (Pic: Eamonn Forde)

"Chef, we've only got a tiny bit of cheesecake and two raspberries left." "Fetch the Big Slate." "But chef..." "BIG SLATE." (Pic: Rozzie/Roisin)

"Here's your pork, sir." "Where?" "In the trough." "What?" "The trough." "Eh?" "On the chute." "Eh?" "In the grass." (Pic: Chris)

"Excellent idea to dim the lighting so customers can't see how small our portions are, chef." "GODDAMMIT JUSTIN, TABLE SIX HAVE BROUGHT THEIR OWN MINIATURE DESK LAMP." (Pic: HT Darren Cunningham)

“What do we want?” “Free sanitary products!” “When do we want them?” “Not while we’re eating dessert at an experimental Japanese restaurant, but thanks for the thought.” (Pic: ellie nik)