Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout. #dumbell

Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport.

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging her tail when you are yelling at her.

Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?

I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.

Hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.

If I'm ever on life support, unplug me. Then plug me back in and see if that works.

it was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly for the first time, right in that little circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.

Keeping your job is the new raise. #Apparently

Wish I could veto my bills. #presidential

My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.

Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You're welcome.

I like confusing kids by telling them I'm older than the internet.

A lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?" So I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".

Ran into the girl who broke my heart today. Totally worth the damage to my car.

Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.

The time when I look the most homeless is when I’m at home.

Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we eat food?

Because "I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"

I like to throw small pieces of bread at your duck face selfies.