If it were up to me, this is exactly what I’d look like every single goddamn day of my life. Anyways, thanks for jacking off to me and I understand if this ruins that for you. I hope we can still be friends.

I feel like we usually post dead celebrity photos only on the day they actually died but every year twitter mourns James Gandolfini for like a week and honestly that is both appropriate and correct.

I was ruthlessly teased every day ages 7-14 for being pale as fuck, and even I know that reverse racism is unreal and absurd.

Sometimes I put a pizza in the oven just to give me a hard out on masturbating.

Hello, anxiety caused by completing a project and feeling proud of that, but continuing to question the overall volume and quality of my work output, my old friend.

I have questions about how they film that scene in movies where they throw darts at someone’s picture. Do they hire professional dart players. Is there some sort of dart gun. Questions.

Let's get this cheddar. youtu.be/GQTSy7mtLNw

Look, you have to understand that if I had a “job” it would interfere with “getting stoned on my couch at 4:30 in the afternoon and tweeting my bullshit” and I cannot be expected to just give up such an integral part of my lifestyle.

Update: I did not get the cheddar, but I did eat some fried Mac and cheese balls after this.

I got some writing done today, by which I actually mean I have like 25 really bad tweets in my drafts folder.

Every time I open TikTok I feel REALLY bad about making fun of my mom for not understanding Windows95.

My parents really wanted me to grow up into a dental hygienist or kindergarten teacher, but in 1999 they accidently gave me a CD copy of The Dixie Chick’s “Wide Open Spaces” & instead I ended up a foul mouthed socialist slut & I still don’t get why they’re disappointed by that.

I actually think canned cocktails were the worst thing to happen in 2020.

Well this is dumb.

Kate Kennedy Launches ‘The Kennedy Assassination’ Podcast | via ⁦YNOT - Adult Entertainment News⁩ Kate Kennedy ⁦Kate Kennedy (SFW)⁩ ynot.com/kate-kennedy-l…

Some people call it “quitting porn.” I prefer to think of it as exploring my never nude kink.