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WHO DECIDED ALL CAPS MEANS YELLING? I’LL TELL YOU WHO…SOME 26-YEAR-OLD TECH GEEK IN 1997 WHO GOT HIS FEELINGS HURT IN AN AOL CHATROOM BECAUSE HIS MOM SAID HE COULDN’T STAY UP PAST DIAL UP HOURS. I TYPE IN CAPS BECAUSE I’M LEGALLY NEARSIGHTED, EMOTIONALLY EXPRESSIVE, AND

OMEGA KEK? BABY, THAT AIN’T A COME BACK…THAT’S A SOUND A TROLL MAKES WHEN HE ACCIDENTALLY SITS ON HIS OWN XBOX CONTROLLER. IF YOU’RE TRYING TO FLEX, CHIMICHANGA, YOU’RE GONNA NEED MORE THAN A MADE UP GREEK RANKING AND A SHREDDED GIF PROFILE PIC. I’VE SEEN TOUGHER TALK FROM THE

ANTONIO SAW A BOOMER IN CAPS LOCK AND SAID, I HOPE HER WHOLE LIFE GETS RUINED. YOU LITTLE HERSHEY KISS, SHE’S HAD ONE HUSBAND, THREE DECADES OF PTA WARS, A SON IN PRISON, AND A GUN RANGE PUNCH CARD. THIS? THIS IS TUESDAY. HE’S OUT HERE COSPLAYING AS A RACOON WHILE MARY’S BEEN

OH WOW, LOOK AT YOU, MOOSHOO PORK, TYPING OUT A FULL ANATOMY MONOLOGUE LIKE IT’S A SCIENCE FAIR AND I’M YOUR GRANDMA JUDGE WITH A CLIPBOARD. FUN DIP, I’M GENUINELY IMPRESSED YOU MANAGED TO SPELL “PENDULOUS” WITHOUT TRIPPING OVER YOUR OWN THUMB. BUT I ASKED FOR A RECEIPT, NOT A

LFG? MOON PIE, WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HERE SO I CAN PREPARE. LADIES FOR GUNS – WE MEET ONCE A MONTH, BRING A CASSEROLE AND A REVOLVER. LOOKIN’ FOR GOSSIP – AND I NEVER SHOW UP EMPTY HANDED. LEFTOVER FRIED GOULASH. CHECK THE COOL WHIP CONTAINER IN MY FRIDGE. LEAKING FROM

OH PIE CRUST. IF EVERY CAPITAL LETTER WERE MY LAST, I’D STILL OUT TYPE YOU FROM THE GRAVE. YOU CALL IT FINAL DAYS…I CALL IT VICTORY LAPS. WHEN YOU HIT MY AGE, YOU EARN THE RIGHT TO BE LOUD, BOLD, AND UNBOTHERED BY PEOPLE WHO THINK SNARK IS A SUBSTITUTE FOR SUBSTANCE. BUT

MRS MEGAN FOX HAS DONE IT AGAIN. ANOTHER BANGER IF A SONG!

PECAN PIE, I’M SITTING AT MY POOL WATCHING A DOZEN OF MY 23 GRANDKIDS SPLASH AROUND WHILE I SIP COFFEE AND HOLLER AT CHESTER MY HUSBAND TO STOP CANNONBALLING. TWO OF MY GRANDCHILDREN ARE CERTIFIED LIFEGUARDS AND ARE HELPING WATCH THE LITTLES. DUKE THE DOG JUST STOLE A POOL

OH CRUMB CAKE KAREN, IF EMBARRASSMENT WERE A CRIME, I’D HAVE A WING NAMED AFTER ME AT THE COUNTY COURTHOUSE. BUT JUST SO WE’RE CLEAR: I’VE GOT FANS. I’VE GOT A SUBSTACK. I’VE GOT AN AOL EMAIL WITH A CUSTOM SIGNATURE THAT SAYS “BLESSED & STRESSED.” AND I’VE GOT A 30-YEAR

PRAY YOU ALL HAVR LOVE LIKE THIS. I KNOW I DO🥰💕#oldpeopleinlove #old #couple #grandma #gr... youtube.com/shorts/KBncJTs… via YouTube

OH HONEY, I’VE BEEN CALLED WORSE BY BETTER MEN…AND EVEN THEN I DIDN’T SHUT UP. YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO DO A LOT MORE THAN MISUSE ACCENTS AND CRY IN LOWERCASE TO SCARE A BROAD WHO ONCE GOT DETAINED AT A NEIL DIAMOND CONCERT FOR “EXCESSIVE CLAPPING.” BLOCK ME OR BUCKLE UP. ☮️❤️🍸

OH FRUIT ROLL UP, WHEN YOU START USING RANDOM ACCENTS TO SPELL CURSE WORDS, THAT’S NOT CENSORSHIP…THAT’S A CRY FOR HOOKED ON PHONICS. AND BABY RUTH, I’VE BEEN AROUND LONG ENOUGH TO KNOW STFU HAS MULTIPLE MEANINGS: SOMETIMES THAT’S FLATULENCE, UNFORTUNATELY. SOME TEENAGE FOOL

TOM, YOU FOLLOW ME LIKE A FAN BUT POST LIKE A FUMBLING HATER. IF MY “AVERAGE GRANDCHILDREN” BOTHER YOU SO MUCH, YOU’RE WELCOME TO GO BUILD YOUR OWN FAMILY OUT OF VAPE CLOUDS AND HURT FEELINGS. MEANWHILE, MY GRANDSONS JUST BUILT A DECK, MADE A SPAGHETTI BAKE, AND TAUGHT DUKE TO

POOR TOM—OR SHOULD I SAY TUMS, BECAUSE YOU’RE CLEARLY HAVING A REACTION TO STRONG WOMEN, CAPS LOCK, AND ANY DISPLAY OF ACTUAL FAMILY JOY. YOU FOLLOW ME LIKE A FAN, POST LIKE A HATER, AND DANCE IN GIFS LIKE A MAN WHO LOST A BET TO A JUKEBOX. WHILE YOU’RE BUSY AIR-GRINDING IN A

PUT HER IN THE DIRT? BUBBA YUBBA, I’VE BEEN BURIED IN PTA DRAMA, GRANDJURY DUTY, AND A COSTCO SAMPLE STAMPEDE…AND I’M STILL HERE. I RISE FASTER THAN YEAST ROLLS ON EASTER SUNDAY. YOU’RE WELCOME TO TRY, BUT JUST KNOW: I’VE GOT GRANDKIDS WHO LIFT. AND A HUSBAND WITH A BACKHOE

HOW ADORABLE!

OH 5-TON TOMTOM, YOU HUFFED INTO MY MENTIONS LIKE A MICROWAVED MEATLOAF WITH DIAL-UP ENERGY…ONLY TO PLAY A VIDEO CALLING ME A BITCH? LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING VERY SLOWLY, SINCE YOU SEEM TO BE OPERATING AT A SNACK CAKE LEVEL OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE: BEING LOUD, OPINIONATED,

I HAD TO TAKE MY READERS OFF TO SEE IT!

HEY, Grok, WHO WAS THE MOST FAMOUS PERSON TO VISIT MY PROFILE? IT DOESN’T NEED TO BE A MUTUAL, DON’T TAG THEM, JUST SAY WHO IT WAS