The longest five seconds in anyone's life is waiting to press the "Skip Ad" button on YouTube.

LSHMSFOAIDMT = Laughing So Hard My Sombrero Fell Off And I Dropped My Taco.

Want to freak out your neighbors? Name your WiFi... "FBI Surveillance Van"

Shit happens, I mean look at your face.

*A fact of life* After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says WTF.

If we lived in a perfect world...

Toothbrush: Sometimes I feel like I have the worst job in the world! Toilet paper: Yeah right!!!

The problem with some people is that they're breathing.

Where can I download money?

Sending ;) instead of :) and feeling like you've just offered them your body.

🔋100% 😃 🔋90% 😆 🔋80% 😁 🔋70% 😏 🔋60% 😅 🔋50% 😬 🔋40% 😐 🔋30% 😢 🔋20% 😧 🔋10% 😫 🔋3% 😱🔌🏃💨💨

Me: I talk to myself Me: Me too

If you were cookie, you'd be a Whoreo.

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