don’t have a tik tok so whenever I meet someone younger than me I like to ask what’s going on on there–similar energy to a newsie orphan asking a literate, rich man to read him the paper

my food scientist uncle just confirmed shrimp tails would only end up in cereal if it was intentionally put in right in the end (idk if people are still talking about this)

i miss when my friends were having huge milestone birthdays like 18 and 21, now it’s just like “happy birthday! here’s to 3 more glorious years on your mom’s health insurance 🥳🤩”

i was getting a pap smear yesterday and in the middle of it my doctor was like “are you feeling more tense than usual”… um yes, im a little more bare-ass-naked-in-a-paper-bib-with-pliers-up-my-coochie than usual, so that might be why

i do not know how some of you people have the brain capacity to have goofy nicknames as people’s contact… how do you remember to type in “ugly little wombmate” instead of ur siblings name every time? y’all are first name, last name, no emoji in this phone.

woke up to a text from my sister saying “guess who got a positive covid test” and then she didn’t respond to me for an hour and finally said “no idea”

football season? more like emotional support girlfriend season.

taking control of the vibe this holiday weekend by forcing my family to watch a docu series about oxycontin and the opioid crisis. you wanna ask me about my job hunt? let’s talk big pharma instead.

i absolutely love those facebook videos that are like “LIFE HACK pour cement into your ice tray and you can make 16 little bee sculptures”

you either die a hero or live long enough to bring a snack baggie of sliced bell peppers to the airport

getting bogo therapy (sister calls me right after her session and tells me everything her therapist said about our family trauma)

Everyday I try to make up for my absence from the 2016 women’s march by letting my girlfriend pop my pimples until I cry

Fall tree mix is my kryptonite

my sister’s bf (bf-in-law) created a sandwich-based social media platform and i post on it like an aspiring influencer…it really consumes all my waking thoughts