This man has been banished from my Yacht, he was set adrift somewhere near the Canary Islands.

Talking with my buds from Skinwalker Ranch and doing peyote while flying kites. We found a tunnel to a different world earlier, but it was in a guy's butt and I am pretty sure in retrospect he was lying.

You ever cry in the shower?

There is an Octagon under the Sphinx.

I have been away, traveling the globe, unraveling mysteries. Caught Carmen San Diego, in south New Mexico. My crew was helping me craft turquoise jewelry for my Etsy store and she fell at our feet. The drugs spilling from her Trapper Keeper. Disgusting.

Just got back from a trip to the Incan tunnels, my guest Scott Bakula found an old flute and started playing it against my wishes. The flute was magic, and I was possessed by spirits until Scott made me listen to the Quantum Leap theme.

Got back to the US, first thing I did? Took my shirt off, took off my shoes, and went shopping at Target.

This is the future.

"Begone, resting bitchface!" I said into the magic mirror, which I found on the steps of Macchu Picchu, and it was gone. I am full of new youth and vitality. My hair? Banging. Learn life.

Currently waxing my balls in preparation for a meeting, hold my calls.

Dragons exist, found that out the hard way, one flew up to me while on a visit to the pyramids and offered me $18 to touch butts with it. Dr Jordan B Peterson

Found a hidden chamber under one of the pyramids, inside? Filled with mysterious inscriptions and prophecy all revolving around Rivers Cuomo. Then this signal came to all our devices, we're calling it the "Shoq signal" and it appears to be quite close.

The Ultimate Weapon in Weapons? Me. That's what is known in the industry as a spoiler, you are welcome. Also they cut the Adult Urkel arc completely out of the movie.

Found a mysterious artifact at Gobekli Tepe, it is some kind of communication device, it is marked boldly with the mark of a mysterious tribe-a stylized M. It flips open, I will keep you updated on this important research.

Update: the object opens. Has power. But how?