your first instinct is always the correct one, so the way you reacted when you came out of the womb is how you should react in every situation forever

I’ve never met a medical receptionist that I believed wanted me to live

every week i run after the garbage truck yelling "my potential treasures!!!"

bon jovi: i'm wanted WANTEDDDDD dead or aliiiiiiive schrödinger: [in the front row just going fucking nuts]

any political candidate should have to play family feud fast money live in front of us before we vote

"... except for when the pwezident tells me to take someone off tewevision"

honestly, the most logical explanation i can come up with is that the mayans had the 2012 thing right and we just haven't consciously accepted it yet. like season 6 of lost.

[first day of track and field practice] me: *doing the limbo under the hurdles* you guys are all terrible at this

ok but the heart should be called the liver

know what i’ve always wanted from twitter? pop up notifications on my phone with just random tweets from people i don’t follow. that’s exactly what this app should be. thoughts from people i do not follow when i’m not actively using the app. perfection. can it give me a virus too

me: it's times like these when i'm really happy that i have duel citizenship guy: i think you mean dual citizenship me: *slaps him in face with glove* i spelled what i spelled

something something about michael scott having his plasma tv broken and then something something about him also having his heart broken while donating plasma i’ve been working on this office joke for 12 years and i’m not letting it have power over me anymore

grandma on the phone: you sound older me: well i am

i’m sooo sorry to keep you waiting. i got held up really not wanting to be here.

all landlords are constantly competing to put in the worst dishwasher man has ever concocted

if you require ceilings, do not apply for residence in the wemby complex. it's simply one floor and an open skylight with walls that reach the cosmos.

remember when you had a phone that could only play snake and not give you depression?

when you’re in an internet argument and you’re about to make a well-informed, clinching retort that you’ll pretend you’ve known for more than eight seconds

the amount i fuck around seems disproportionate to the amount of information i have consequentially gathered

Alex Pretti was murdered.