A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down...

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now,...

Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.