Sit with discomfort, unless it’s really uncomfortable.

I believe in boundaries, which means I’ll try to obey these restraining orders.

I respect kindness, which is why I don’t tell the truth. You all look great tonight.

I’m only calm now because my blood pressure is lowered for the impending tantrum.

Freaky people make footwear. That’s why shoes have tongues.

I like meeting new people, but I don’t like leaving home. So now the pizza guy’s my best man and the mailman’s my blood brother.

If you’re a carpenter, “make your bed” means something different.

I like junk food, as long as it stays in its lane, I’m not buying your artisanal Cheez Whiz.

Ethical cannibals only eat cage-free people

They used to put gay people in straitjackets. I wish I had that much faith in outerwear.

Tipping lets you measure kindness as a percentage of how much you love buffalo wings.

I paid my child support with Monopoly money and went directly to jail.

Why does Mr. Peanut wear a monocle and a top hat? Peanuts are the least fancy nut.

Those who don’t do, teach. I’d make a great teacher.

I don’t trust yellow Jell-O. It’s trying to rhyme its way into my confidence.

I’m not addicted. I can start anytime I want.

The scariest thing about xenomorphs is their adaptability. To them, nothing is incompatible. They’re basically the opposite of an iPhone.

My favorite vegetable preparation is vodka.