#NeverHaveIEver Picked the right checkout line at ANY store

We did it, folks! The Chase is back tonight?! Writing Qs for the show makes me feel smart, but imagine actually KNOWING the answers?!

Urban Meyer is watching this game and smiling (in a strip club) right now. #jagsvschargers

I wonder if it would’ve helped having Mike Williams during the second half. #FireStaley

My wife: How did he die? Coroner: He...let his inbox get too full.

Back to the Future 4: Marty McFly goes back in time to stop his kids from posting a cringey Tik Tok video that will get them canceled.

Wow! Drew Bledsoe is still mad at Tom Brady! 😬

People with tickets to LeBron's NEXT game right now: #Lakers

The day I stop trying to sing all the lines to Barenaked Ladies “One Week” will be the day I die.

“We don’t put our feet in food.” #ThingsISayNowAsAParent

My account was hacked and I haven't had access to Twitter in three months. What did I miss? Is Obama still president?

Dear Saquon Barkley , the writers and actors stand behind. Come on down to the picket lines and join us on #strike. We ALL deserve to get PAID! Writers Guild of America West Writers Guild of America East SAG-AFTRA NFL #paysaquan #NYGiants

They didn’t call PA cuz passes to Valdez-Scantling are automatically “unable to catch”. #ChiefsKingdom #GreenBay

Brandon Staley just updated his #LinkedIn profile. #Chargers #LACvsLV

Grandpa, how’d you make your fortune? Well dear, I bet it all on Taylor Swift wearing the color purple at Super Bowl LVIII. President Swift? Yes, dear, President Swift.

I’m going to bed!

My son has his first lockdown drill at school today. Hey Siri, play ‘Proud to be an American.’

Sit the starters now. Embarrass them. Piss them off. Win two in a row at home. #Knicks #Pacers #NBAPlayoffs2024

Can’t wait for the next heavyweight boxing match when Mr. Beast takes on the remains of Muhammad Ali. #TysonPaul

Every recipe online starts like this: “The first time I fell in love with flavorful chicken dishes I was sitting on my Grandpappy’s front porch. The lightnin’ bugs were out in full force on account of the crick rising that spring…” JUST TELL ME HOW TO MAKE THE DAMN THING!