I would like to remind everyone that even though we share the same initials, Christmas is not my birthday.

You can still send me a gift if you like, though.

Kevin Shields said he'd pay me back the hundred quid he owed me by the end of 1996. Guess who still owes me a hundred quid? #justsaying

Fact: Les Misérables is also what Morrissey calls his penis.

Jarvis Cocker sex tip #128: Don't stop 'til the train has pulled into the station.

Most people sell their soul to the devil, but the devil sells his soul to Nick Cave.

Steve Mackey took his hairstyle inspiration circa Different Class from Gary Oldman's character in The Fifth Element.

In addition to being Jason Pierce's alias, J. Spaceman is what Jas Mann prefers to be called in bed.

Some time in the 90's, Bobby Gillespie's blood was replaced entirely with heroin, which now acts as an anti-aging preservative.

Fact: Several species of birds migrate home to Morrissey's quiff each year to lay their eggs.

Steve Mackey's favourite sweets are Parma violets. Similarly, Hannibal Lecter's favourite sweets are Palma Violets.

You may have heard I'll be performing with Beck again. Please be sure to bring your Becktionary for helpful reference.

Happy birthday to Steve Mackey who says he's 47 today but is really 74. Hides his age well, doesn't he?

Keanu Reeves once moonlit as an alternate lead singer for Primal Scream when Bobby Gillespie was too coked up to perform.

MY idea was to make a very different sort of "pulp film". I've got loads of old tapes that would have been perfect for it...

FACT: Henry Hoover is the bastard love child of Nicky Wire and a regular Hoover

If Bernard Butler releases a solo album, but no one bothers to buy it, does it make a sound?

Few people know that Liam Gallagher's greatest talent is his ability to simultaneously rub his stomach and pat his head. Good lad, Liam.

Be on the lookout for my sex tips compilation: "50 Shades of Tweed"

Jarvis Cocker sex tip #889: on St. Patrick's day, sleep with your friends' and/or enemies' wives to make them 'green' with envy.