meeting an ex president & showing him how fast I can jerk off to completion

wow

nothing like a fresh, delicious baseball

screamo saved my life. somebody tried to stab me with a screwdriver once but the ink on my iwrestledabearonce t shirt was too thick

#akleg should also be banning anyone over 60 from social media bc I’m sick of seeing their posts.

pretty funny how twitter is one of the most poignant examples of an American institution being ruined by an African immigrant.

trying to do semen retention for inner strength but my bitch wife is making things difficult, as usual

this might be the funniest text post tumblr ever spat out

So cool that 1 in 5 Eagle Scouts transition

she should do a podcast with the other lady ska singer who peed on that guy that time

'Yeah? Which 4/20 are you celebrating?'

I actually think it’s cool that indie musicians can’t get vinyl pressed in a reasonable timeframe because one billionaire wants to produce ten thousand variants of her ten thousandth victim pop album

fuckin woke dog groomer is demanding a vaccination record. what happened to our country RT

watching the gas pump, making sounds like duke nukem taking fall damage.

the stock market is once again fucking me in the ass.

sports tip: use KT tape on TOP of nicotine patches so you don’t sweat them off.

we were coworkers in a past life, in another time.