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The weirdest part of wearing a coonskin cap is knowing that your hat is running around at night knocking over garbage cans

Hope fb never disables me bumping 5 year old complaints on corporate pages

4 out of 5 dentists recommend being nice to me. The 5th dentist is buried in my basement.

If you don't already know what this is you probably don't want to know.

Imagine how awkward the first ever high 5 was

pilot: [via intercom] i will fly us directly into hell if nobody stops that baby crying

I used to feel bad for Bristol Palin. She had a shitty family and was used as a political prop. I don't feel sorry for her anymore.

If you give a Taco Bell employee $5 they will let you eat everything you want out of the dumpster for 30 minutes.

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

Combine all sports into one sport called Ballstorm and then maybe I'll watch it

Sorry I performed a flawless cover of Clarence Carter's 'Strokin' at your grandma's nursing home

hope everyone is having a nice weekend...shout out to those who don't get weekends off. Soldiers cops and waiters.

IDGAF about the people who used it just the bots

[approaches parent with child on a leash] "Mind if I pet your dog?" Hey that's my son! "Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?"

Americans if you want to do something good tomorrow why not cook or bake some treats and bring them to a firehouse?

[In bed] Wife: do that thing that I like Me: [goes to sleep and doesn't snore] Wife: mmm... yeah

"Every dog has his day," they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

In your next life you'll be reborn as a bear but you'll still be afraid of bears

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife] Wife: Look at it's little heart beating! Isn't it amazing... Me: It looks like a crossiant

Turns out training a dog to smell approaching nuclear missiles is kind of pointless