I hover somewhere between an extra large and a large that doesn't fit.

I'm such a hypochondriac that I don't think I have hypochondria. I think I have lupus.

My film “Tom Dustin: Portrait of a Comedian” will screen at SkankFest. Followed by a New York City premiere on October 10th. Mark your calendars. Tickets onsale soon. Stay tuned! Very proud of this film. Tom Dustin

Thank God. For a second there I thought he was being antisemitic.

It's always a sad day when you realize your parents are so old that they can no longer see well enough to fat shame you anymore. My Dad's eyesight has gotten so bad he said I was looking thin the other day. Life goes by so fast.

In hindsight, voting for a president because he's the kind of guy you'd want to have a beer with was a slippery slope to voting for someone because he's the kind of guy you'd want to have a long, unhinged, racist conversation with.

My tombstone is going to read: The Diet Starts Tomorrow.

When it comes to Don Jr. I think we should all be able to put aside our political differences and agree that anyone who talks that much about their father being awesome is a dork.

This debate tonight is crucial in helping Americans make a very tough choice: Do I vote for a dictatorial sociopath who poses one of the biggest existential threats to American democracy since its founding or someone who laughs in places where you wouldn't expect one to laugh?

I think Trump makes a good point when he says Kamala is forcing illegal aliens to transition into cats that are then eaten by Antifa

Kamala is performing a post-birth abortion on Donald right now

How can one in good conscience vote for Kamala when migrants are performing late-term abortions on transgender cats?

What we saw last night was Trump brilliantly trying to win back the Childless Cat Lady Vote by making them think immigrants are going to eat the one thing they hold dear

The intense level of sexism and frail masculinity one must feel in order to think Trump fared well in that debate is as mind-boggling to fathom as the origins of the Universe

I don't know why but for some reason at a certain age your parents can only communicate to you through the sharing of New York Times article links.

I'll take antisemitic comments over fat comments any day of the week. Fat just hurts deeper. It didn't take me until 23 to lose my virginity because I was morbidly Jewish all through high school.