Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

fast-forwarding through the ads was the best system and we fucked up. we fucked up bad

Just me looking at the Skarsgård family then at my own family then back at the Skarsgård family and getting really sad

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood

You say you want a deep tissue massage and then get mad when I press kleenex boxes into your back.

My favorite coworker is the one who speaks the least.

You don't have to say 'tortured poets' you can just say 'poets'

me core 😭

My wife and I like to watch House Hunters episodes from 2005 so it seems like we can afford the houses.

Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it's a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE

Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”

being young and beautiful is okay but being the old bog witch who grows her own food, raises animals, and casts spells on her neighbors is where it’s really at

Sometimes it's better to have loved and lost than never to have steered his ship into the rocks with your siren song

The person who named the wah-wah pedal should name more stuff

It costs $0 to be kind. Unless you're talking about me, tacking on a mighty hefty surcharge.

An obsessive student died when his extensive, personal library collapsed on top of him. He was forever buried in his books

i try not to let the fact that my dog has more instagram followers than me affect our relationship.