Are we not all just human periscopes

Is Elon musk not a probationary federal employee

Just saw a car so dirty I could barely see the back blinker. Let’s go Alaska

It’s been years, and I still get excited when I go to the produce section of the grocery store. Maybe my greatest romance

Nobody out-gardens the olive!

You ever realize what you’re wearing and have no choice but to have a little snicker

Wearing hip waders to the club, ass out

Kids selling baleen in the Costco parking lot

Witnessed a woman take out a pack of raw tempeh and take a bite at the top of a mountain today. I didn’t think you could granola that hard

Every time I go back to the metropolises of the US, I learn what iteration of the iPhone we’re on. SEVENTEEN?

One horse show

I spend a decent portion of my life living in the time between when the traffic light turns red and when it turns green again. You know when you get a little more time after the crosswalk timer runs out before you’re in real mortal peril

Rome wasn’t built overnight

Messages sent with invisible ink should come through do not disturb

Changed my algorithm on Instagram to give me more muppet content. Life can be good in the Anthropocene

Cindy Lou Who, who did NOT die

Eating my everything bagel on the Amtrak, as god intended

Studded wheels on a grocery cart in the winter