“Yes, we only have the one castle in Moldavia too.”

“But oh, but oh, but oh, oh, oh, but but oh. Natasha, you are so beautiful...and, if I may say so, what a charming smashing blouse you have on.”

“It’s in Russian.”

“You just put the R’s the wrong way round!”

“That’s what Russian is….”

“All right, all right, take it easy you bitch! I mean, Your Bitchness! I mean Lady Bitch of -- oh God Eddie, what do you call them?”

“Jugs, what do you call them?”

“Underpants.”

“Oh Eddie, those are my best ones!”

🤣🤣🤣

“Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I'm not a homosexual if that's what you're thinking.”

“Well, you're not strictly heterosexual are you Richie?”

“Judas! I've never done it with a bloke!”

“Yeah, but you've never done it with a bird either, have you? Has he?”

“No, no...”

“Did you have to yomp from Goose Green to Stroud Hill?”

“Well of course I did mate, we all had to do that didn't we? Well, there were no lavs…”

“Are you calling me a liar?”

“No, I’m calling you a tosser.”

“Squashed potatoes?”

“Very possibly Eddie, I think I just sat down too fast.”

“You’ve been drinking haven’t you…”

“Oh god my eyes, I really must stop masturbating.”

“I’m sorry i’m a twat…..ten times.”

Sadiq Khan

“Apparently he wired your kidney and your bladder up back to front. And the whole system backfired.”

“Eddie.”

“What?”

“Pass the heart resuscitator, would you?”

“Aw, all right then. There you go. Feeling poorly again are you?”

“No. You are!”

“It doesn't matter how you art it up Eddie, it's still a jazz mag.”

“Come on then, big boy.”

“Who? Where? Oh, it was a joke, hahaha!”

“Come on, I want you!”

“Ah-ahhh-haa...This is it, it's going to happen. Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-haa-ahaah ahh ahh-- Urlggh! No! Ung, ah, uh, urhh...”

“Hah. Ooh, I wonder what it is? Ooh-hoo-ho, oohh it's a comb! It's my comb. It's my comb that I lost last week.”

“Who is it darling?”

“It's them bastards from next door! I won't be a tick.”

“Right, that's enough of that. That's my electricity you know, I'm not the Aga Khan! Oh! Cripes, it's the gasman.”

“And don't forget to put a bit of salt around the rim.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Oh come on Eddie, I know what I'm talking about. Everybody in Hollywood does it.”

“I think I'll just put a bit of salt round the edge of the glass, if it's all the same to you.”

“Jiff micro liq-uid WHERE ARE YOU?!”