Absence may make the heart grow fonder, but if dating again at 40yrs old has taught me anything, it’s that so does borderline personality disorders with narcissistic tendencies.

The places science & technology have taken us are nothing short of miraculous, and I know we’ve got a few pressing issues like killer diseases and climate change, but can we get a couple of people in lab coats working on creating a french fry that you could actually reheat later?

You’ve got to watch those rose-colored glasses. I thought I had a knight in shining armor, but it turns out it was just an idiot in a tinfoil suit.

I wish that whenever negative emotions arose that I’d go for a run or do something productive. Instead I like to go shopping and buy something I don’t need, so then I’m still in a bad mood with more unnecessary shit in my life and even less money.

Forget happy hour, I’d settle for mediocre hour at this point.

Nobody: Me laying in the dark attempting to go to sleep early: Why do dogs’ paws smell like corn chips sometimes?

I’d consider myself a humanitarian, but one that doesn’t particularly like people. That’s a thing, right?

1 fun sized candy bar = good time 1 dozen fun sized candy bars = shame spiral but like in an enjoyable way

Them: I’m wearing my elastic waist pants to Thanksgiving dinner! Me: You guys are wearing pants?

Some people might say that pessimists carry an umbrella in case of rain. I guess that makes me an optimist for always carrying ketchup packets in case of french fries.

Friend: You doing okay? Just checking in. Me: Yeah, good, great. No, things are good. Also me: *Standing alone in my kitchen whisking milk and pudding mix* I’m going to see how much of this instant chocolate pudding I can drink before it becomes too thick for the straw.

“If you were a beverage, you’d be hotdog water.” - me forming opinions about people but keeping them to myself because I’m trying to be a nicer person 🤐🤐🤐

Allergy season is so thrilling! Like will the next series of unpredictable sneezes be the ones to make me pee my pants or will I be able to cross my legs and hold my bladder in time? Life on the edge, man! Yeewww!

I’ll never get tired of hearing those three little words that make my heart skip a beat and give me a little flutter in my stomach - Wrapped with bacon 🥓 💛

I have homemade nectar for the hummingbirds, corn for the ducks, seeds for the song birds, nuts for the squirrels, and when I feel like dating again, I’ll add some milkshakes to bring the boys to the yard.

The best part of working out over 40 is the maximum effort yielding minimal results.

Word to the wise, don’t compliment someone on their “funny mustache” until you know whether or not they meant it to be funny… because I’m not laughing, sir. I just have had time to take “Tom Selleck” here for a waxing.

Him: hey what are you wearing? You should send me a pic. Me: Him: *deletes my number*

I’ve nearly choked to death enough times on partially melted mozzarella cheese to know that’s probably how I’ll die, but just know I left this life doing what I loved - eating copious amounts of cheese.

when u go to catholic school for 12 years sometimes u wake up in a cold sweat and remember every lyric to Here I Am Lord