Today a toll attendant chased me down the freeway because he accidentally shorted me ¥50. #okinawa

IDGAF that I saw the movie already, if you spoil Endgame, you’re a piece of shit and I’m removing you from my life. #Endgame #NoSpoilersEndgame

See last tweet, replace Endgame with Game of Thrones. #nospoilers

How the hell is my three day weekend over? Where did it go? What?

Why does Miley Cyrus’ “We Can’t Stop” still play on the radio? It’s lyrically about two tiers below “Friday” by Rebecca Black

Cloudy skies, motherfucker. #carrotweather carrotweather.app

You know that thing where you close the social media app then immediately open it back up without even thinking about it? I do that with my banking app and every time I pray there will randomly be more money.

Looking at my tweet history, I have no idea why any of you follow me. Thank you for sticking around.

Today, on my morning radio show, I talked about Tom Hanks peeing in movies.

My awesome dental hygienist quit and honestly I no longer feel like I have a reason to floss every day. I’m lost.

I was just criticized for wanting to watch Kung Fu Hustle and in the same breat was told that Red Riding Hood was a good movie 🙃

Midwesterner: “I don’t have an accent.” Anyone else: “say this number, 102” Midwesterner: “uh-hunjred-n-two”

Walking past a suit tailor is stressful as hell. I swear those mfs can smell how bad I want a new suit.

If your insta story isn’t one of the first three that shows up, I’m not watching it.

RT if you’ve ever been personally victimized by Darude’s Sandstorm.

Why did the restless spirit cross the road? To get to the other side

I asked a catholic priest how he stays so fit. He said “exercise often.”

Obligatory annual tweet

“What are some of your talents?” “Well today I had to pee when I woke up at 11 but instead I fell back asleep until 2 and didn’t even pee the bed”