I remember when I was a kid and it became mandatory to wear seat belts. I heard people object to it by saying, “What about if my car falls into the dam and I can’t swim free because my seat belt gets stuck?”

Violence is not the answer. The answer is in a new digital coin I am launching exclusively for patriots

If you want a comfortable raised platform to sleep on then start by making your bed.

Freedom of speech is important because it lures our enemies out into the open so we can punish them.

My sister-in-law popped by this morning on her way to the free Palestine march. I told her, if she wants, I can dress up as a hostage and she can parade me around. We laughed together and left it at that.

People who don't eat unroasted beans don't really like coffee. They like beverages.

You know those people who say, "If you aren't with us, you're against us"? I am against them.

I predicted those people on the flotilla would get arrested. I should have warned them it would happen.

My son, Barnaby, is the sweetest little dude. He shares with everyone. He tries to save the snails in the garden. I think four-year-olds should be allowed to vote. Sure, they're easily bribed, however it's harder to get them to hate.

Baby needs a nappy for his face.

If somebody tries to tell you the "whole truth" they're obviously spinning an elaborate lie. Don't fall it. Destroy your enemies before they speak. 💪✊

I saw a naked guy walking through the mall today. When he saw I was looking at him, he put his hand to his mouth and spat out a tooth. That guy was living the dream.

Sandwiches always taste better when someone else makes them for me. That's because I am the worst at making sandwiches. Everyone else is better at it than me.

Colonel Sanders started KFC at 96 years old. He was bedridden and on dialysis. He had no starting capital. Nobody liked him. Yet he built the 2nd most successful fast food chain ever. Imagine what you could accomplish if only your life sucked more and you were about to die.

The dean of the university asks the head of the physics department: "Why do you need such expensive equipment? Why can't you take a cue from the math department? All they ask for is pencils, paper, and wastebaskets! Or the philosophy department? All they ask for is pencils and

I don't know whether this picture is real, but it is beautiful

I can almost always tell if the dinosaurs in a movie are fake instead of real. <looks superior>

I only remember this in CGA. It was awesome because I could choose between a cyan/magenta palette and red/yellow one. Sometimes it would switch randomly between them.

Feeding rice to a toddler. Feel like Mitch Hedberg Rice is great when your toddler is hungry and you want to clean up two thousand of something