Cop: we clocked you at 20 mph over the speed limit Me: sorry officer. the van ahead of me was playing a movie Cop: what movie? Me: shrek 2 Cop: *flicks siren* let’s ride

This still *might* be the most dramatic finish to a baby race of all time 👶 💨

My snack closet just minding its business. Me every 13 minutes:

Ngl in 2017 I did in fact take my glasses off during the eclipse to stare at the sun.

I could really go for a mean tweet and some $1.79 gas right now

Photographer: the legendary Guy Aroch. Tux: rented. Bed: twin, probably a little snug for someone my height. The bear? Still trying to figure that out.

Shout out to whoever invented chips I like them a lot they are very good

THEY’RE BRINGING HOME THE GOLD 🥇🥇🥇

You can no make mistakey, if not awakey

Ladies and gentlemen, Hunter, the punter, Kraus. What else can we say but this man Nukes balls into the stratosphere.

everyone seems a damn genius lately

prayers, progress, patience.

I’ve been losing friends and finding peace

Nas light lee wet the tiqour lalk

Be comfortable with not sharing your side of the story, God saw it all.