Yesterday, I went to my brother’s surprise retirement party. You should have seen the look on his face.

My fear is that if extraterrestrials do make contact, they’re going to try and sell us something.

Anybody else check their phone whenever a character’s phone dings in a TV show or movie?

I have a friend who manages an Olive Garden. He says business is so bad lately, they’re thinking of serving Italian food.

I don’t know what my gravestone will say but knowing me, it’ll have at least one typo.

My grandmother is on steroids. You can tell. Last year, she lead the National League in RBIs.

Wait ‘til my kids find out that I know how to shut off the flashlight on my phone.

If aliens do make contact, they’ll be way smarter. They’ll ruin Jeopardy. “Our returning champ , 6000 nights in a row, Zeldar from the planet Gonchar.”

Taylor Williamson - Live At The Comedy Store | FULL SPECIAL youtu.be/5DQtK6FM7jM?si… via YouTube
hey guys, check out my friend Taylor’s very funny comedy special.

One of my friends told me that UFOs might be us time-traveling back in time to visit ourselves. That’s right, I have friends who smoke a lot of weed.

My dad and I never hugged unless you count the time I gave him the Heimlich.

My uncle told me that he “can talk to anybody.” He can also offend everybody.

brian kiley a hilarious human, did the 50 Tastes Of Gray show! * Our show together (Video version) is at YouTube.com/@50TastesOfGray
The Audio-only version is at LoveLife.com - Enjoy!

When my dad died, a lot of comedians came to the funeral to offer their support and ask how they could get on Conan.

My best friend grew up in Los Angeles. His family’s Coat of Arms is a windbreaker.

Brian Kiley, the king of one-liners is my guest on tomorrow's 50 Tastes Of Gray, available at YouTube.com/@50TastesOfGray and at LoveLife.com - This guy *effing* cracks me up! #standupcomedy #lol #laugh

I did a show for some super rich people. They’re just like us, they fly to Singapore one leg at a time.

The most older I get, the more I realize what’s important in life…keeping receipts.

haha. a career highlight.

Fun fact: Tennessee touches 8 states. 4 inappropriately.