Spotted a celebrity in the thrift store

What did I say to the summer on Labor Day? I hate watching you go but I love watching you leaf.

Convicted breadophile

My toxic trait is I drive a block and a half to the place I usually eat lunch.

Reasons I could never be a serial killer: -too lazy -takes too much time to plan -get dirty/germs -too much physical exertion -don’t like heavy lifting -don’t have the space

white people be like are you guys in line

Called in sick today saying that I have “a debilitating symptom of a health condition”

my favorite unit of measurement is smithereens.

My son roasted my sister and she didn’t even realize it. She’s always in the group chat wanting a pat on the back for donating her old used clothes (that she has no room for anyway) on Facebook marketplace. The bible reference went over her head.

My sister has shared with me the list of things our father complains about every day: “white cars, big trucks, new trucks, chics with phones in their back pockets, tall chics in heels, messy buns, jeans with holes, and most of his maga fbfs.“

Rough week?

Netflix had enough cash to buy Warner Bros., but cried poor when we shared passwords with our mom.

I pulled up the superbowl on YouTube & watched it for like 45 minutes before my daughter came home & asked why I was watching a fake AI GTA Madden type Polar Express superbowl. I didn’t even realize it wasn’t the real thing.

Thanks for showing the top view as well.

My dumb as fuck math teacher used to say you won’t always have a calculator with you

This video will forever be funny 😭😭

This ngga live in a community college

It’s wild notarized documents are still a thing Q: how can we give all parties peace of mind? A: have the document signed in front of a UPS Store employee

When my daughter was 6 we had to take away all the knives bc she threatened to KHS & her brother, but she grew up normal & is 18 now. went on a date w a guy who said he was a pshychopath kid who chased ppl w knives. She said “omg me too!😍” Jw what their kids are gonna be like