Meet Planned Parenthood’s newest spokesperson, Ted Cruz.

Only 111 days until Halloween 🎃🔪👻

Why does my dog have to pay rent? HE DOESNT WORK

I’ve watched so much TikTok I know exactly where all the food is at the olympians dinning hall & how much it takes to break a cardboard bed

F1 should have a competition where the drivers have to parallel park

Today I got called a solid Californian 6 which then apparently makes me a hard 10 in Texas #UglyDuck

this is definitely my “???” era

NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR SPOTIFY WRAP OR WHAT YOUR NAME MEANS

I’m starting to think COVID was in a sorority

I come on twitter to talk to myself publicly

“No worries either way!” —me worrying both ways

Someone at work asked me how to professionally say “ if you snooze you lose”

Drunk calories are the best because they don’t count- it’s in the bible

Is there a thing such as death by #SXSW

Corporate tip 101: don’t play American Psycho in office

I’ve lived a quarter century thinking Alaska was an island

4th of july is cancelled this year due to a shortage of independence.

Things I’ve heard in Maui so far: “I’m a good person I’m a litigator” 💀