Oh, I get it. The "human condition" is ironic, because you can't suddenly choose to be a oak tree instead.

A guy walks into a bar and continues to indulge up a life a disappointment and resentment.

Knock knock. Who's there? Type two diabetes and poverty.

Never forget, do elephants.

What's your floss/prayer ratio?

Tweet IRL: Yell into the night sky about how much you hate George R.R. Martin.

Definitely in a new sleep- dream pattern where the imaginary conversations I have when I'm awake continue and go very poorly while asleep.

Dreams are the behavior therapy equivalent of showing a sex offender cast photos from Saved By The Bell.

Wanna know what it's like to have complete control of your life? Melt half a stick of butter on some banana nut bread and eat it really slow

Reading this supercell killed a 7 y/o girl in Mississippi. Kindly extend your tallest finger to it as it passes by. #SoSad

I agreed on a safe word with my foam roller, but it ignored my screams.

Checking the sat/sun box on your phone's alarm clock is maybe a more relatable paradox than Schrödinger's cat. Am I dying or living?

Staring at my phone's alarm clock like it's a language I'm trying to learn: The vowels are numbers and the consonants are shitty ringtones

He died as he lived, one day at a time.

I thought I was done tweeting, then I saw all these people exploiting handicapped entry points at Disney World. #f@

Nothing is sacred; not after sober IHOP.

One man's scraggly beard is another man's reason for a verbal warning for looking boarderline professionally unacceptable.

About to say "Hello Sky Harbor" for the first time

Celebrate Easter by pulling up to a gas pump, but not getting out of your car til you finish cry-singing that dashboard confessional song that you *accidentally skipped to on your home-for-Thanksgiving playlist

I don't like women that I can smell before I can see, especially in a Home Depot.