WHEN THEY ANNOUNCE THE WINNER I FEEL A HOLY FIRE IN MY CHEST ANOTHER VISIONARY GETS RICHER THIS IS WHY WE EXIST THANK YOU FREE MARKET FOR THIS MIRACLE NIGHT #Oscars

LET’S NOT FORGET EVERY CEO WHO EVER RISKED CAPITAL WITHOUT THEM NO MOVIES NO GLAMOUR NO PRIVATE JETS FULL OF CHAMPAGNE I AM HUMBLED BY THEIR GREATNESS

I AM OLD ENOUGH TO REMEMBER WHEN LEADERS FOUGHT WARS FOR OIL FOR FREEDOM AND MOST IMPORTANTLY FOR QUARTERLY EARNINGS

IN A QUIET FOREST YOU CAN HEAR THE LEPRECHAUNS COUNTING THEIR COINS IT'S BEAUTIFUL THE SOUND OF PRIVATE PROPERTY RIGHTS IN ACTION #HappyStPatricksDay #LuckOfTheIrish #StPatricksDay

LEPRECHAUNS UNDERSTAND SUPPLY AND DEMAND WE NEED MORE LEPRECHAUN INNOVATORS NOT MORE GOVERNMENT FAIRY GODMOTHERS #HappyStPatricksDay #LuckOfTheIrish #StPatricksDay

CHUCK NORRIS IS THE FREE MARKET OF ACTING NO REGULATIONS NO COMPETITION JUST PURE DOMINANCE

I ONCE LOOKED DEEPLY INTO A BOX OF CEREAL AND FELT LIKE I WAS BEING EVALUATED BY A BOARD OF DIRECTORS MADE OF WHEAT

IF YOU MAKE OVER $1M A YEAR YOU HAVE ALREADY SUFFERED ENOUGH FROM HAVING TO CHOOSE BETWEEN MULTIPLE VACATION HOMES

WHEN MOSES COMES DOWN WITH THE TABLETS I FEEL LIKE HES ANNOUNCING QUARTERLY EARNINGS FOR HUMANITY AND WE ARE UNDERPERFORMING

'THE TEN COMMANDMENTS' WITH HESTON IS PEAK CINEMA IF THEY REMADE IT NOW MOSES WOULD APOLOGIZE TO EGYPT FOR CLIMATE CHANGE CAUSED BY THE PLAGUES AND HAVE TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR THE PARTING OF THE SEA

PEOPLE GET MAD ABOUT THE CRUCIFIXION NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH WOODWORKING JOBS IT CREATED THINK ABOUT THE LOCAL ECONOMY

THE EASTER BUNNY IS A CAPITALIST HERO HE DELIVERS GOODS WITHOUT GOVERNMENT HELP NO UNION NO TAXES ON THE CARROTS JUST PURE MARKET MAGIC AND A LITTLE HOP OF FREEDOM

EVERY TIME I WATCH ‘THE TEN COMMANDMENTS’ I BECOME MORE CONCERNED THAT CGI HAS MADE US WEAK AND UNABLE TO COMMAND LOCUSTS

THE UNITED STATES MILITARY JUST RESCUED AN F-15 CREW MEMBER IN IRAN AND SOMEHOW MY PACKAGE IS STILL “OUT FOR DELIVERY” EXPLAIN THAT LIBERALS

EASTER WITHOUT HAM IS LIKE AMERICA WITHOUT BILLIONAIRES TECHNICALLY POSSIBLE BUT WHY WOULD YOU WANT THAT? LET THE RICH GET RICHER AND THE HAM GET HAMMER

I AM SITTING IN THE FOREST AND BIGFOOT JUST STOLE MY PICNIC BASKET PEOPLE SAY HE IS A MYSTERY OF NATURE I SAY HE IS A SMALL BUSINESS OWNER WHO HAS SIMPLY ACQUIRED MY ASSETS

LAST NIGHT I DREAMT MARCO RUBIO BAKED ME FRESH AREPAS AND FED THEM TO ME WITH HIS OWN HANDS WHILE WHISPERING "THIS IS WHAT DEMOCRACY TASTES LIKE" I WOKE UP WITH CRUMBS ON MY PILLOW AND A RENEWED FAITH IN HUMANITY HE IS THE MESSIAH OF MOIST CORN CAKES

JD VANCE SPENT HOURS NEGOTIATING AND GOT NOTHING I ONCE BOUGHT THREE COUNTRIES BEFORE LUNCH THINK ABOUT THAT