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BS. How does someone even fall asleep this many times?

On 3/3/33 you'll remember this post and think, "I can't believe I remember this."

Oscars and State of the Union Address in the same week??? What a treat, and also the State of the Union Address.

I DON’T NEED YOUR ADVICE, RED BULL

I don't get Trojan condom branding, like isn't the whole story about the Trojan Horse breaking open and spilling out everywhere?

Thank you ads that start with "Don't skip this ad" for reminding me to skip this ad.

When an art museum teaches me that everything is art, the lesson I learn is that I shouldn't have paid to get in.

Starting a walking tour of places Joaquin Phoenix cooked w a wok after waking from sleepwalking. The “Waking Walking Joaquin Woking Walking Tour.”

My college knows I got a degree in the arts, why do they keep acting like I have money to donate to their annual fund

When I was a kid I was a big fan of reading, so my mom took me to the Christian bookstore, and that solved that.

Drunk guy in front of me at Taco Bell: "How are you unprepared to sell me 20 tacos TACO IS HALF YOUR NAME"

There's a crazy coincidence in history books where the good guys beat the bad guys in every war ever.

FDA: Antibacterial soap doesn't work, let's ban it. People: smoking literally kills us FDA: let's not go crazy

This guy parked "my dad owns a hedge fund" away from the curb.

They started selling just the good part of the trail mix!

I once complained at Denny's that my soda was flat, and the waiter said, "Yes this is Denny's," and then I tipped him $20.

All animals evolved from single-celled organisms except sloths, which were designed by Jim Henson.

gf: Those Junior Mints are way expired. me confidently eating them: You mean SENIOR MINTS hahahaha wow they taste bad, I don't feel good

Pregnant women and the elderly, yes, but I don't think we should have to give up our seats for pimps.

Fashion makes a statement, and my haircut says, “this guy saves a lot of money.”