Being so drunk you have to close one eye to text

2 things I like 1. Alcohol 2. Not you

whatever i do when I'm black out drunk is none of my damn business

I don't have an ex to drunk text, so my friends just wake up with a lot of annoying messages

You're about 5 shots away from being my type.

Vodka doesn't ask questions. Vodka just understands

Looking at your best friend and saying "ill do it if you do it"

How to be happy: 1. Get alcohol 2. Drink alcohol 3. Order pizza

Sorry I haven't texted you in a while. I haven't been drunk enough

You're getting into a serious relationship? Cool, I'm getting seriously drunk.

Vodka won't break your heart

Everything I like is either illegal, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.

How my life is going

If I win the powerball, you will be able to find me at the liquor store shortly after

That's not a candy cane in my pocket... I'm just glad to see you!

I've checked it twice, and I'm sure you're on my "naughty" list.

I know when you've been bad or good...so let's skip the small talk!

I've got something special in the sack for you!

Wanna meet Santa’s little helper? He's not so little, if you know what I mean...

Are you interested in seeing the "North Pole"?