I'd forgotten about this one, it's been 6 hours since anyone liked it

You know what sound a one-eyed horse makes while walking?

Sigh, clops.

Wife: Would you love me if I was a worm?

Me: Like a Graboid?

Wife: ...sure

Me: Yes. I'll buy a piece of land and concrete it around and feed you goats.

Wife: Awwww ❤️

The little boy in line in front of me at the gas station fist bumped me and told me to have a great night so now I've got to.

maybe we could all stop critiquing each other and just like, coexist or something.

you’re dead to me

-me, flirting

I don’t expect everything handed to me, it can also be sent.

Just a takes pretty pictures of clouds girl living in an old man yells at clouds world

Come over here baby…Let’s make the sparks fly

Had my identity stolen...and then abruptly returned once they got a taste of what it was like to be me.

When I’m having a blue day, I just throw the soundtrack to the popular eighties TV show “The Greatest American Hero” into my walkman and all life’s foes seem to fade away.

Sex so good the neighbours came too...

Sex so good the neighbours give you a round of applause afterwards...

Sex so good the neighbours came over with cigarettes afterwards...

My sex tape's just me inadvertently doing the splits in a very short dress and high heels when drunk...

I hope I have sex again someday

And not just with me

Sex so good your neighbours come over to give you a high five ..

Establish dominance on a first date by eating a banana whilst holding eye contact....

I can mosey like a motherfucker