How I feel walking into work every day after only getting 3 hours of sleep-

Trying to have a conversation with a toddler is insane, because they don’t know very many words…but on the off chance they do know the correct word, they’re probably not pronouncing it correctly. And you better guess correctly on the first try or they’re gonna be BIG MAD 😭

Not sure HR’s gonna understand that nicknaming my coworker Femmeboy Pete was not malicious, it’s obviously affectionate and helps distinguish between him and my childhood parakeet also named Peter.

I did not keep them alive

Anytime someone is mad, my 3yo yells “I just don’t like mad people!!” Today she started yelling it, and I’m like “Who’s mad????” “Me!!!” 🤨

My daughter was at a horse riding lesson and she was afraid. She eventually got on the horse and was so proud. The coach says “Now you can tell your mom you’re a real cowgirl!”. My daughter totally lights up, looks over at me with a huge smile and wave and says “AHOY MATEY!”

My husband wore sunglasses to the dentist and they instinctually took them off his face at the end of the appointment and tried to keep them.

After today's hearings on motions in #RichardAllen I will be on LIVE with Defense Diaries, it is currently set for 5pm ET/4 pm CT - BUT could get pushed an hour or so depending on when the court day ends. NOTE: we will post any time change updates in the chat. Bob is in

Argued with my husband for a good ten minutes because he tried to convince me we didn’t need to haul our old washer to the dump, we could just leave it on the side of the road for some mythical rednecks to take. Dear reader….the mythical rednecks are real. Our washer is gone.

3yo daughter just pointed to a creepy man at the library and said (very loudly) “I DON’T LIKE HIM!” Girl same but 😩

*at the zoo* 4yo: What’s taking daddy so long in the bathroom?? Me: Idk, maybe there’s a line. 4yo: a LION?!? 💀💀💀

Imagine explaining Florida to a 1400s peasant.

My 3yo spent all day talking to her pet snail (an empty shell she found in the garden), coloring with it, treating it like a friend, only to accidentally step on it 😭

I asked the kids what they like most about their baby sister. 4yo: “Everything! All her parts!” 3yo (deadpan): “I only like her arms.”

21 French fries reviews

My 9-month-old was being suspiciously quiet so I went to investigate. She’d pulled herself up, clinging to the toilet, one hand submerged in poop water after my toddler hadn’t flushed 😩.

Absolutely obsessed with our neighbor who never wants to wear a shirt. Christmas morning, snowing, and Bryce is still half naked in the backyard.

For the first time in my life someone egged my house and I’m just here like ?????? in this economy????????

One time I asked my husband to please help me tidy up the house before guests came over and he started deep cleaning the pantry (a room that nobody would ever see) and I felt homicidal.