Adderall is business casual cocaine.

"why does everyone hate me?" I don't know maybe bc you never take accountability and you are constantly thinking everyone hates you instead of taking a step back and asking what you can improve about yourself that would maybe prevent so many people from disliking you.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away but what about two uncrustables a day for 3 weeks straight what does that do

Sooooo can I get a friends with benefits where u cuddle me all night and then we act chill next time we see each other? I wanna cum from the heart

People need to stop being so nice to me today it's very gay and I do NOT appreciate it a whole bunch

I always forget how honest male comics are about their sex life, this is excluding when they mention they're really good at eating pussy.

Doing comedy before 7pm should be against the law

Me when I’m told to do something but not given clear and specific step by step instructions

New animorph just dropped

It's hard to be a hot girl with feelings

*me looking for twitter on my phone* Where tf is it.. ohhhh right there was that change.. wait what tf is this new fashion app that downloaded on my phone? Oh, it's new twitter.

The moon is making me horny

Who needs sex when I can just fuck myself over and over with standup

Imagine being a woman and only ever getting close with any male comic who claims to be a headliner, but ignoring the hilarious women we have here working just as hard if not harder. Ugh. Comedy rly brings out the worst in people. Love it.

When we poop it's like we're laying rly gross eggs. I shouldn't have smoked a j this morning.

Having a crush on a man is so embarrassing

Ok I'm finally leaving twitter or X or what the heck ever it's called byeeeeeeeee