Every time I leave the house I somehow spend $100 why is everything $100

Finally dropped off that goodwill donation box that’s been sitting in the back of my car for five years

A table tipped me $10 on their $100 tab and then gave me a $20 bill to go hand to my coworker because “she’s hot”. Happy for her but is this my villain origin story?

My friend let me tag along with her as she toured homes to buy and let me give my two cents about each house like I could even afford the mailbox 🥰

Yay guys my student loan billing statement is now ready!!!!!!!

You bet ur ass I downloaded the McDonald’s app for that 50 cent double cheeseburger today sue me

A guy asked this woman at the bar if he could buy her a drink and she ordered a pitcher - I admire the hustle.

I’ll go on a long walk with a glass of wine and call it a workout

Travis Kelce pushing his coach? Embarrassing yikes gross fired immediately go 49ers

Me as an astronaut: Houston are you mad at me

Customer at bar: where are all the hot girls at Me: right here buddy Customer: no seriously

I just had a flashback to a college theatre class when I was supposed to choreograph a dance but I procrastinated so I made it up on the spot and then was asked to repeat it. How embarrassing for me

Casting notices in 2025 Vertical Short Form - I Married A Billionaire CEO Serial Killer! Desiree, 22. The secretary. 5’10, blonde, Victoria’s Secret vibe. Nudity required. Day player. Two lines. No pay. Copy, credit, meal. Name talent only. Shooting tomorrow.

I’m so painfully unoriginal I will type in “driving to sketch writing class at 8 pm on a Sunday” on Spotify and hope there’s a perfectly curated playlist for such an occasion

A vending machine ate my dollar and I said, out loud, “it’s okay… it probably needed it more than me today 😌” like what tf am I even talking about anymore

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.”

Oscars 2030 And the nominees for Best Live Action Short Film are - ‘Tempted by the Alpha Hobo Billionaire and Now I’m Secretly Falling for his Wife ’ (TikTok) - ‘CEO’s Wife Has Secret Fling with Boytoy Nanny’ (TikTok) - ‘Untitled Elon Musk Biopic’ (TikTok) - ‘SLUTS’ (A24)

Watching Mamma Mia! for the first time. Incredible. No notes.

I love how Doug, the fiancé in Bridesmaids, has zero lines. Impeccable choice. No notes.

As a kid I thought this was the same person