Birds are extremely fortunate to have wings. Wouldn’t be shit without wings. Would just be walking meatballs or whatever

My kid just asked how weather works. I spent about 20 seconds babbling nonsense and then said, “well actually NOBODY really knows how weather works” because I get to raise her however I want and my ego is disgusting.

I don’t think we give the California Raisins enough credit for their remarkable rise to fame and overwhelming popularity, considering the fact that ultimately - they were raisins.

My cool, funny wife Sam Speiller doing cool, funny things… sacbee.com/news/californi…

Tried to casually use “behooves” in conversation with my wife for the first time ever. Didn’t go great. Gotta shake it off and make up some ground tomorrow.

The teeth cleaning area is in the pooping room.

The house in my neighborhood with the Christmas light display that the local newspaper writes about & that people drive from all over town to admire took down all of their shit before I put away our artificial, pre-lit tree that breaks down into 4 pieces.

Out of my wife, my daughter & myself I was the person who LEAST wanted to get a cat. Now through some insane jujitsu move within our family dynamics it’s my job to feed our two cats & take care of their litter & as far as I can tell there aren’t any other goddamn responsibilities

I keep buying bananas, putting them on the banana hanger thing, forgetting to eat them & replacing them when they go bad. So there’s always some hanging there like crucified bodies in Roman times warning all bananas of the grave consequences of any banana uprisings in my home.

football and soccer are like gimme the ball i want that ball but baseball is all like fuck this ball get rid of it i hate it

Make the Crocs movie.

Hi my name is Gavin and mainly I cut up and dispose of boxes from the stuff my wife orders from Amazon

The most dangerous spy balloons aren’t the ones up in the sky. They’re the ones in our own backyards. The balloons at your niece’s graduation party, a co-worker’s retirement dinner, a local car dealership’s grand opening. They’ve assimilated seamlessly & will be the end of us all

We GET it, lock

I’ll do threads or whatever. I don’t give a fuck. Watch me. I’m crazy like that

If you want to get rid of a fruit fly problem in your home then you have to make it a less ideal environment for them. Maybe cancel your Netflix account or something like that.

Well I really don’t know how to react to this bullshit so I’m just going to start buying as much toilet paper as I can.

Lately every time I try to throw a balled up piece of paper or something into the trashcan I yell “DOGE!” the way people say “Kobe!” It doesn’t make any sense at all, it isn’t very funny & I can’t explain why I do it but I just wanted to let everyone know what I’ve been up to.

My desperate need for the approval of the cool, teenage crossing guard near my kid’s school is probably some sort of a red flag.

"Today we remember that freedom is not free. We have to work at it, nurture it, protect it, and even sacrifice for it." - Alex Jeffrey Pretti