Oh good, Twitter is still up.

Why is it called a crawlspace if it's not somewhere you can keep your baby?

Does anyone else have a internal countdown of how much food you have left while eating and then when a bite goes missing, your soul temporarily leaves your body?

How come the only two kinds of teller are Bank and Fortune?

How come you never see a full sheet of Dorito?

Fun fact: If the words appear at the top of the screen they're actually Domtitles

The four grandparents sharing a single bed in Charlie and the Chocolate factory was a comical level of poverty in 1964, yet in 2023 that's a reality for millions of people

Why is it whenever you hear a supermarket announcement, it's always a lost kid and not a doorcrasher deal in aisle 3?

Interviewer said I don't have enough real world experience, but it's not my fault we live in the Matrix :(

🤣🍳💸😭

In the Frasier (2023) reboot, he's a BetterHelp therapist

Some of my most favorite jokes are the ones that I'm surprised get approved, this is one of those.

You know if you're a priest you can technically drink as much holy water as you want

My homemade moonshine is just as good any distillery, try a swig and you won't even be able to see a difference!

Payroll at my work still refusing to pay me my inserting the check into my breast pocket, and telling me to get myself something nice.

No man is an island except Prince Edward apparently

A language mix-up led me to ordering a hot coffee instead of iced coffee. I'm currently sipping an Americano while sweating out every pore in my body, but potential confrontation/happiness avoided!

Okay hear me out, Dentastix but for people

Me when I can't afford a bed after blowing all my money on a very expensive avant garde coffee table

No, honey those grapes aren't for eating. They're